Saturday, January 03, 2009

Year's End neither an end nor a beginning but a going on,
with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.
-Hal Borland

this time of year is meant for reflection, is it not? so... on my day off, some reflection you shall get. i don't promise deep or meaningful, or even particularly insightful for that matter - but here goes...

it's funny, i started this particular blog just about a year ago, last january and while i think i'd use some of the adjectives to describe my life currently, somehow they've taken on a slightly different flavor. i was in my last term of school 3 months away from completion of a four year degree. re-reading some of those earlier entries, i couldn't believe where i was - it was surreal, an ending of something that felt endless. and there was excitement and of course anxiety about what was to come. i couldn't wait to finish school, to start the next phase of life, but i was scared about boards, about my competance, about if i would have what it took to have a practice, about finances, about moving... but all these things were still abstract, intangible, and i was unable to hold them concretely and so felt a bit like i was falling.

and here i am, about a year later. i have since graduated. passed boards. moved to portland. became licensed. started a practice. so in some ways, much of what i was anticipating has come to pass, and all with remarkable fluidity. i've been here in portland for four months, and sometimes i can't believe it's been that long, but for the most part it makes me stop and think "really? that's it?" somehow in the short four months i've been here i feel so much more that i belong, more than i ever did my four years in san diego. and maybe some of that was self-fulfilling prophecy, that i thought moving out to san diego, it would never be for me. but honestly, there's such a different feeling here, a different qi - and i really like it. and while life looks entirely different than it did a year ago (i made it here! i have a practice! i love portland!) i think my 2 favorite adjectives to describe my life are still excited and slightly terrified.

i haven't for a second regretted my decision to move, on the contrary - most everyday there is something that makes me smile, and feel so glad i'm here. i think i was stuck in SD, somehow it was stagnant for me, and here there's free flow - there's a coursing energy that permeates everything, and the rain that continually washes the city clean, keeps everything flowing. and GREEN. *sigh* it makes me smile just writing that. i miss my friends terribly, and have certainly had hard days and weeks... before i found my current jobs. earlier this week... some days i acutely feel the loss of not having people i know locally. and i know, i KNOW this stuff takes time, and while i am aware of this - some days it just hits hard.

currently my excitement is over work - i LOVE what i do, everyday. i really and truly do! and absolutely adore all my colleagues at Tri-D, they are just awesome, and i can't be grateful enough to have a place like that to work. not to mention, work out... have been training with Mox, and it's been great! aside from that stuff, am super excited about moving to my own place next month... (i signed papers today!!!) it's in a great location, lots of space, my own kitchen! YAY! and i guess, really i should qualify that - it's not really my OWN place, as tim is moving up and it will be his place too (and clearly, actually, it's really Puma's) and i am very excited about that part of it too!

and then there's the terrified... about making work, "work". building a practice is HARD, and that's fine, but i worry about being good enough, about knowing what i am doing, about getting enough patients... i worry about making friends, finding community... i worry about living with tim - if he'll like the place i picked, if we'll live together well... i worry about paying off loans and making my finances work.

so, it's just funny to me, to be in such a different place, yet in some ways a wholly similar one. that being said, i do feel much more grounded and stable than i have in a long time, and think that upon moving next month, will feel even more so.

and hal borland is right, year's end is neither an ending nor a beginning, but a going on. new year's does not mark some distinct time segment, isolating one year from the last - it just marks the going on of time. and while that means there is no "starting over" (and i know this may come as a big disappointment to some people), the slate doesn't magically wipe clean, we're not all brand new people each year (thankfully!) but it is a going on, and what makes that special is that like mr. borland says - we have all the wisdom that the past year's experience has given us. and it is our choice how to use that. none of us are the same people we were 12 months ago, or for that matter a day ago (an interesting link here to TCM theory, but that's another post) but as we often use this time for reflection - let us look back at our experiences and figure out how to use that wisdom to our benefit in the coming keep learning (especially about ourselves) and growing, and not starting over with nothing, but continuing to the shape the person we are into who we want to be.

and that, my friends, is a post that is more than long enough. my best wishes for the coming year to you all - may it be happy, healthy, prosperous and full of laughter and love!

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