Friday, January 16, 2009

and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms...

i cannot believe it's the middle of january.

i'm not sure when that happened. also, it's been BEAUTIFUL here, sunny and clear. apparently this is one freak-show of a winter for portland. but, i'm not complaining!

so far the new year has been continuing on pretty well. work is going, slowly, but going. been trying to do a lot of this networking business, which is not really my style, but needs to be done. though, in regards to that - i got rejected from a networking group, HA! i am totally amused.

been doing a lot of thinking lately, and not nearly enough writing. there are some things i'd like to write about regarding health care and various paradigms, but i haven't managed to sit down and do it. i've been feeling like my brain has all these thoughts but i am somehow unable to put them together as a cohesive whole. but, writing more on broader topics than what i do in my day is a goal of mine for the coming months. however, for now, you're stuck with this.

the middle of january means i move in two weeks. and while i don't have that much stuff, and there's a lot still in boxes, somehow the thought is still overwhelming to me. i cannot wait to be in my new place and simultaneously am dreading the actual process of moving (didn't i just do this?). however, it will be nice to fully unpack and settle a bit. but, that probably doesn't happen for real til tim and i get back from SD.

am SO excited to visit san diego and see all my friends. (i'm living in serious friend xu right now!) am feeling slightly guilty that it is under the auspices of helping tim pack and move, but more than likely will end up being mostly a social event as i have many people to catch up with (sorry tim!). while excited, i am slightly exhausted from thinking about my social schedule already...hehehe.

got to catch up with with emily and sara in the past 24 hours, and talked lots. (i love you ladies more than words) a lot about how there are just so many questions we don't have the answers for. and don't know if anyone does. however, i think the asking of them is still important. but sometimes the preponderance of questions is disconcerting and ungrounding and the ability to let go into that space of being comfortable with uncertainty is extremely difficult. it is such a reflex to reach out and try and grab a hold of some bit of a notion that we convince ourselves of as being an answer. it's so easy to long for something finite and for reassurance and so hard to sit with the ever expanding body of not-knowing and not feel completely lost. during this discussion sara reminded me of one of my very favorite quotes with which i shall leave you:

"...have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."

- Ranier Maria Rilke

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