retrospective

so, i started sorting out my crap today. all my school stuff, trying to get rid of the un-needed stuff and organize the rest so it will be useful. and it's funny to look through old things. i'm currently going through a box of stuff from my first year in school. and there are all the typical 1st year academic things - pretty, recopied notes in all sorts of colors, organized notes...etc but then i came across some things from my clinical counseling class. disclaimer - i have to say, i HATED these classes - it was wayyyyy too much like therapy, but with your classmates, who since it was 1st semester, you didn't know yet. anyway, that said, i see their usefulness, but... anyway. so we had a homework assignment called 'life questions' which asked all sorts of things like: what do you consider your strengths? what about yourself would you like to change? when do you feel most alive? what do you want most out of life? how did you view yourself 5 years ago? how do you see yourself now? where would you like to be 5 years from now? if you could have 3 wishes what would they be? and if you were to write your own epitaph what would it be? and i'm sure at the time i was pretty annoyed at having to answer them and turn them in. but, surprisingly enough, i think i actually answered them pretty honestly and not full of my usual sarcasm and disdain for things like that... and reading it over now, some of my answers struck me... indulge me while i quote myself from almost 4 years ago...

*when do you feel most alive?
I think I feel most alive when I am in transition. The times in life when you aren't sure where you are or where you're going - being in a fall and not knowing up from down, left from right - no reference points. The emotions aren't always positive - but i think they are most real. Without that comfort zone you are really living - experiencing all emotion and possibility and i think unfortunately it's easy to get caught up in comfort and stasis and level out your living experience and while this is safe - it's not being truly 'alive'.

* where would you like to be 5 years from now?
I would live to have graduated - and either be working on a Ph.D. or have a practice somewhere. I want to keep up the good outlook on life - I want to be happy - but not content- I always want to be changing and growing - but I want to be at a place where I have balance in my life, where I love what I am doing, where I have friends, where I am in a healthy relationship - where I can be in the present and not concerned about the past or worried about the future - just being - and helping other people find that balance.

and, you know, in regards to being alive, i still agree and i think it's been the huge motivation behind my move. this feeling of stagnation, of being complacent - the idea that i need to move beyond my comfort zone, and stretch... to come up against my edge and push just a little further. and i was right, the feelings aren't always positive. but, i do think they are real. it makes me present with the here and now, and where i am, and where i am not...

and as to my 5 year wishes... i've still got a little over a year to go to see if i reach those goals, and you know what - i think i'm well on my way. and i still want all of that, and more :P but, i think i'm on track.

it's funny, i don't remember doing this exercise 4 years ago, but it was a nice check-in to find that paper today and see if i'm doing what i thought, or if my priorities have changed...

i thought the ocean/and the ocean thought nothing

...And the ones that can know you so well
are the ones that can swallow you whole.
I have a good and I have an evil,
I thought the ocean, the ocean thought nothing,
You are the welcoming back from the ocean...

-Dar Williams

just got some of the pictures sorted, hope you enjoy... it's lots of ocean photos... and sometimes the same shot but i was playing with the SLR, so forgive me. will post *about* the trip later, don't have time at the moment. have to clean up the house and then lunch with susan and off to work!

of movement

was away for the weekend (more on that and pictures in another post) and it got me thinking a little bit about travel, and why i need to. what it is about going someplace else, somewhere else... and of course, with the impending move, i was thinking about what is my drive. WHY do i need to do this (because, it IS a need for me)? and i was re-reading some of georges perec's Species of Spaces and Other Pieces and i came across this passage (see below)... and it seemed only fitting. and somewhat explained my predicament. i DO ask why... because it does become habit, and there is a lack of thought, we just are, and it just is. but when you start to ask, when there is a question, you have to move, sitting still is no longer an option...

Of Movement

We live somewhere: in a country, in a town in that country, in a neighbourhood in that town, in a street in that neighbourhood, in a building in that street, in an apartment in that building.

We should long ago have got into the habit of moving about, of moving about freely, without it being too much trouble. But we haven't done so, we've stayed where we were; things have stayed as they were. We haven't asked ourselves why it was there and not somewhere else, why it was like this and not otherwise. Then, obviously, it was too late, our habits were formed. We began to think we were well off where we were. After all, we were as well off there as over the road.


We have difficulty changing, even if it's only the position of our furniture. Moving house is quite a business.

-Georges Perec

mama don't take my kodachrome away

mama has so kindly given me the gift of a dSLR for graduation. and so, i've been looking into different cameras, and am trying a couple out before making a decision. a nearby camera shop has a 5 day trial of the Nikon D40x, with 2 lenses, so i'm testing it out. didn't have time for too much today, but managed to play around with the macro setting and puma this afternoon before i had to jet to work...



more to come over the next week :)

...under the state of a strange land...

so. it's official. i'm going to be renting a room from Bjorn as of September 1, 2008.

this means... I HAVE AN ADDRESS IN PORTLAND!!!!!!!!

that's exciting. this is really, *actually*, happening.


so, i will (of course) remind you again - but here is my address in portland as of 9/1/08:


4222 NE 76th Ave
Portland, OR 97218


yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

next step: change my phone number...

"july, july, july/it never seemed so strange..."

what's been going on? nothing. everything. i don't even know anymore.

been working like crazy. so many hours. i feel like i get home and then go to bed and it's all i have time for. my life is a mess (literally) - i absolutely need to tidy my house, but i can't seem to find the time or energy.

my schedule is a little crazy and the free time i have, i try to sleep and maybe see some friends. god knows, i haven't even started studying for CA boards (in a month! eeek!). shhhhh, don't tell.

but that being said, the last few weeks have still been good, though busy. it's been great having em around, i still can't believe she lives here (and 6 blocks from me!) - i think we're both in denial. and while our schedules are completely contradictory, we have managed to spend *some* time together. it's great not having to be stressed about spending every minute i can with her (which is usually the case when we are only in the same city for less than 24 hours!). it'll be sad to move, and if anyone could convince me to stay in SD, it'd be ems being here, but that said, we both know i have to go. at least we'll still be in the same time zone!

tim and i have hung out a lot, since he's had a bit more time on his hands, it's been good - lots of hiking/walks and boardgame playing :). yesterday we caught a day game at Petco Park, and that was fun, even though the padres didn't play particularly well. it's been ages since i've been to the ballpark, and i forgot that there are really no bad seats there even when you get the cheap tickets!

cheryl came down over 4th of july weekend, and while we didn't do anything particularly celebratory it was fun to hang out. i miss her so much! she really needs to move to portland :P.

that's about it... just trying to figure out the logistics of moving. am in the process of changing my health insurance, phone number...etc, all that good stuff. it's actually becoming real! eeek! (T-50days, can you believe it?). still SO much to do and figure out... but i can't wait :) :) :)