Saturday, July 26, 2008


so, i started sorting out my crap today. all my school stuff, trying to get rid of the un-needed stuff and organize the rest so it will be useful. and it's funny to look through old things. i'm currently going through a box of stuff from my first year in school. and there are all the typical 1st year academic things - pretty, recopied notes in all sorts of colors, organized notes...etc but then i came across some things from my clinical counseling class. disclaimer - i have to say, i HATED these classes - it was wayyyyy too much like therapy, but with your classmates, who since it was 1st semester, you didn't know yet. anyway, that said, i see their usefulness, but... anyway. so we had a homework assignment called 'life questions' which asked all sorts of things like: what do you consider your strengths? what about yourself would you like to change? when do you feel most alive? what do you want most out of life? how did you view yourself 5 years ago? how do you see yourself now? where would you like to be 5 years from now? if you could have 3 wishes what would they be? and if you were to write your own epitaph what would it be? and i'm sure at the time i was pretty annoyed at having to answer them and turn them in. but, surprisingly enough, i think i actually answered them pretty honestly and not full of my usual sarcasm and disdain for things like that... and reading it over now, some of my answers struck me... indulge me while i quote myself from almost 4 years ago...

*when do you feel most alive?
I think I feel most alive when I am in transition. The times in life when you aren't sure where you are or where you're going - being in a fall and not knowing up from down, left from right - no reference points. The emotions aren't always positive - but i think they are most real. Without that comfort zone you are really living - experiencing all emotion and possibility and i think unfortunately it's easy to get caught up in comfort and stasis and level out your living experience and while this is safe - it's not being truly 'alive'.

* where would you like to be 5 years from now?
I would live to have graduated - and either be working on a Ph.D. or have a practice somewhere. I want to keep up the good outlook on life - I want to be happy - but not content- I always want to be changing and growing - but I want to be at a place where I have balance in my life, where I love what I am doing, where I have friends, where I am in a healthy relationship - where I can be in the present and not concerned about the past or worried about the future - just being - and helping other people find that balance.

and, you know, in regards to being alive, i still agree and i think it's been the huge motivation behind my move. this feeling of stagnation, of being complacent - the idea that i need to move beyond my comfort zone, and stretch... to come up against my edge and push just a little further. and i was right, the feelings aren't always positive. but, i do think they are real. it makes me present with the here and now, and where i am, and where i am not...

and as to my 5 year wishes... i've still got a little over a year to go to see if i reach those goals, and you know what - i think i'm well on my way. and i still want all of that, and more :P but, i think i'm on track.

it's funny, i don't remember doing this exercise 4 years ago, but it was a nice check-in to find that paper today and see if i'm doing what i thought, or if my priorities have changed...

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